A new toy for UKanians

UKanians, say a big warm hello to your new toy. An attack machine which will be billed to the "defence" budget, and which will be almost unmentioned in the mainstream media.

This cuddly wee puppy is the RAF's second A400M Atlas transport aircraft, out of a total of at least 22. This toyset will cost you at least £2.8 billion just to buy, but that's only the start of this spending opportunity. Training the RAF to use these planes will cost £502 million over the next 18 years. Then there will be a huge maintenance bill, plus fuel, plus all the crew. Best to budget £5–10 billion over these puppies' planned operational life of about 20 years.

You may have noticed that these planes have no guns. So why call them an "attack" weapon?

It's because these toys are useless in defending UKania. If you want to move troops or equipment around the UK, it's quicker and easier to take them by road. Transport planes are for what the military jargon calls "force projection", which is a fancy way of saying that your military gets moved into somebody else's space. Like Iraq. Or Afghanistan. Or whoever's next on the hit list. (Quiet, please, Iran and Syria.).

Transport aircraft like these are the basic component of a UKaninan attack on a foreign country. It doesn't matter how many troops or tanks or guns or missiles you have, if they are at home in your shed. Transport aircraft allow you to move your weapons and troops to the place you want to attack. And your new fleet of Atlas planes will be the backbone of your force projection ability for the next two decades.

One of RAF's 14 Voyager refuelling tankers.
Yours for only £10.5 billion for the set

Of course, like Barbie, a military toy needs lots of accessories. Such as the 14 Voyager refuelling tankers (pictured left), leased on a PFI deal costing £10.5 billion over the next 25 years. Or the Boeing C17 Galaxy heavy-lift transports, of which the RAF now has 8 at a purchase price of £200 million each, which will add up to at least £5billion over their service life.

So, here's your bill for at least £20 billion, and by the way we haven't yet billed you for a single soldier or gun or bullet or missile, never mind the attack helicopters and the fighter jets and the armoured cars.

Now, don't be late for the foodbank.