You are grounded until further notice.
We put up with you pointing nuclear missiles at us all, and invading everywhere you feel like.
We endured your mangling of words like aluminium, your eating of submarines, your taking of hoods off your anoraks to place them on the front of your cars, and we don't kill very many of you for the felony of saying "cool", or even for the war crime of saying "awesome".
We don't rebuke you too often for having an infant mortality rate higher than Cuba, or for having millions of people with no proper access to medicine. And instead of warning you against your nutritionally-defective habit of buying food through your car windows, we offer small attempts to emulate you. (We do not, however, make more than rare efforts to copy your habit of sexual intercourse in cars. Our vehicles are just too small, so to avoid coital back injuries we stick with in-car snogging. Sorry; no offence intended.)
We tried to be polite when you elected a doddery fantasist of an actor as your leader, and most of us weren't all that rude when 20 years later you elected a chimp to replace a super-shagger with a McDonalds addiction. We set all of that aside to cheer to the heavens when you elected a charming, urbane young Offaly man with the eloquence of a prophet, and we haven't chided you too often for allowing him to be a do-nothing leader. We share your disappointment.
We don't berate you all the time about your obsession with carrying guns to kill each other, or your global network of military bases with which to threaten the rest of us. We are quite restrained in our language about your now ex-President's fetish for spending Tuesday evenings flicking though a kill list to identify people on whom he will illegally rain down death from heaven. (Just get help, bro. Please.)
Heck, we sometimes even go several whole days without reminding you that your nation territory is land which you stole from the people who you nearly exterminated in a prolonged genocide, and that America was built with the labour of slaves whose descendants your cops still like humiliating -- and all, too often, shooting. And we're deeply grateful to you for giving a home to the many millions of people who our own countries' sociopathic rulers wouldn't feed.
But now, despite our warnings and pleas, you have gone ahead and installed an elderly toddler as your President.
Yes, a toddler. An elderly toddler, but emotionally still a toddler, and an ill-parented one at that. With as severe a case of narcissistic personality disorder as most of ever see outside of a 18th-century asylum's freak show.
Enough. Seriously, enough already.
Stop the moaning about Ruskie meddling in your election. Your own election system is thoroughly rigged through voter suppression and gerrymandering and dodgy voting machines and corporate media and fatcat dollars. With that home-grown emulation of Zimbabwean elections, anyone else's interference is trivial. And after 70 years of your CIA meddling in elections around the globe and overthrowing democratically-elected governments likes skittles in a bowling alley, we're not interested in your moans about someone playing a really mild version of your own game back at you. Get over it.
This time, just sort it out. Make it stop, and get yourself a sane adult as your leader.
It doesn't have to be a clever leader, or an eloquent leader, or one we agree with, or even a shaggable leader like the smooth metrosexual underachiever who you have just pensioned off. Just a sane and adult leader.
It's not much to ask. And as soon as you do that, you'll be ungrounded. Then we'll give you a hug, buy you a drink or several, and go back to treating you again as our big amiable, miscreant friend who makes brilliant music and The Simpsons.
Lottsa love,
Planet Earth
Planet Earth
PS This a letter to the nation of America, not to my wonderful American friends who are even less happy about this than we are, and are gonna need plenty of support during their next four years in the United States of Narcissia. Love y'all 
<3
<3