Arlene, Arlene

There's only one way for Theresa May to rescue her Brexit deal.  That's to make sure that the Backstop includes only Northern Ireland, and not the rest of the UK.

This is of course what was originally agreed with the EU in December 2017, so neither Ireland nor the rest of the EU27 would object to reverting to Plan A.

All that's needed is for Arlene Foster to accept that Northern Ireland will have a different trading status to the rest of the UK ... just as it already has a different status on abortion and same-sex marriage, and wants to have on corporation tax.

So if Arlene will accept this and still support May's government, it's all sorted.  The Deal will pass.

But it's a big ask.  Arlene has said her big Ulster no.

In the unionist tradition, it has been repeated in chorus: No! No! No! No! No!

So Theresa's only chance is a plea from the heart.  And of course, any plea from the heartr has to be made in song.  So here's the song:

Arlene, Arlene, Arlene, Arlene
I'm begging of you please don't take my deal
Arlene, Arlene, Arlene, Arlene
Please don't take it just because you can

Your party is beyond compare
With wads of cash for ash you care
With hide-like skin and eyes of polished steel
Your smile is like a rictus grin
Your voice does grate like mortal pain
And I cannot compete with you, Arlene

I talk about you in my sleep
There's nothing I can do to keep
From crying when I hear your name, Arlene
And I can easily understand
How you could easily take my deal
But you don't know what it means to me, Arlene

Arlene, Arlene, Arlene, Arlene
I'm begging of you please don't take my deal
Arlene, Arlene, Arlene, Arlene
Please don't take it just because you can

You could have your choice of deals
But I could never deal again
That's the only one for me, Arlene
I had to have this talk with you
My happiness depends on you
And whatever you decide to do, Arlene

Arlene, Arlene, Arlene, Arlene
I'm begging of you please don't take my deal
Arlene, Arlene, Arlene, Arlene
Please don't take it just because you can
Arlene, Arlene

Apologies to Dolly.